Has Covid-19 Changed the Way Couples Divorce?

we’re going to address the global pandemic of the coronavirus and how to deal with the challenges it creates for your divorce.

The first thing I want to mention is that the domestic violence rate is on the rise globally. So because of the massive number of people that are staying home right now, some of whom are trapped with their abusive partners, the first thing I want to share is the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also get help at https://www.thehotline.org But if you think your internet use is being monitored, you should call rather than interact with the hotline electronically. They can help you create a safety plan and help you get local help in your area.

So ever since China was rocked by COVID-19, the divorce rate there has skyrocketed. When you’re on lockdown in the house with your spouse, some couples may get stronger from this, but others may just find that it’s absolutely the final straw. So the first thing we’re going to talk about is how can we keep kids safe during the time of COVID. Co-parenting is hard when there isn’t a global pandemic, but it’s even worse when we have a global pandemic that causes a completely new set of challenges. The first thing you have to do obviously is follow your governor state specific stay at home orders. The state’s stay at home orders in many places do specifically provide that transportation between households is allowed in order to implement the provisions of a valid custody order. So that’s really good because you’re not going to get fined if you take your kids from one house to the other. But a bigger challenge is how are you going to decide whether the kids should be going back and forth in the first place. And what I would say about that is that now is the time for common sense and flexibility.

How are we going to deal with this situation?

I’d like to share a little about my own personal experience on this. My former spouse is married to a nurse anesthetist who works at the level one trauma center near our house. Normally she provides anesthesia to patients who are going through surgery, but now she’s dealing with treating COVID patients every day. I’m very grateful to her for her contribution to treating the patients but I’m extremely concerned about my kids being at a much greater risk because of her role in being on the front lines. So it posed a very important question for us as parents: How are we going to deal with this situation?

After much discussion, we decided to handle it by agreeing that she would follow specific procedures when she got home from work so that she could make sure that she was keeping the children as safe as possible. For example, undressing in the garage and taking precautions to wipe everything down before she even came into the house and got cleaned up before interacting with the kids. We also agreed that if there’s any inkling of sickness at either household that the other parent is going to step in to help. So hopefully, we’re not going to face that, but if we do, we have a plan in place that’s going to help us make sure that our kids are safe and that they have reduced exposure to the virus. So that is what has worked for us and what may work for others will definitely differ based on your circumstances.

Another thing I’ve seen other couples do is they are having one parent keep the kids the whole time right now. The other parent who may be working on the front lines as a first responder or a physician or a nurse, is going to have the opportunity to have makeup parenting time after this crisis is over. So if you don’t have a spouse who’s on the front lines, they may be your ex spouse, or they may be dating someone who’s exposing your kids in a different way…or perhaps you just can’t agree on the social distancing measures that are really important to follow beyond what the governors are telling you to do. So your state’s governor may be telling you to stay at home, but they’re not really setting forth any ground rules for how you should be dealing with the virus.

What I recommend is that you think about creating a common set of COVID ground rules for your family.

– So how are you guys going to do the grocery shopping?
– Are you going to order takeout?
– Are you going to only cook at home?
– Once you get groceries to the house… how are you getting those groceries inside safely?

There are so many different recommendations about how to wipe things down and how to make it safe before you bring these things into your house. If you can agree on a common practice that you can follow at both households, it will maintain consistency for the kids and minimize their exposure to the virus. Depending on the kids ages, you can involve them in age appropriate activities that are in support of the ground rules. Just to give you an example, when we brought the groceries in the house last week, we backed the car into the driveway and unloaded everything one by one, wiped it all down. I was able to create an assembly line with the kids in order to bring the clean items into the house. We turned on some music and even though it was surreal, it was also sort of fun. My son remarked that Hey, Mom, we should take a picture of this because I want to be able to show my kids. They’ll never believe that we had to bring groceries in the house like this. And I definitely hope he’s right and I hope that bringing groceries into the house is going to be a distant memory soon in terms of having to wipe it all down every time…but if you can follow consistent procedures at both houses, that is going to be something that is really going to help the kids feel safe and secure during this time and reduce their exposure to the virus as well.

Many of my clients are also asking how is COVID going to impact my divorce process?

So let’s say you’re already underway in your divorce process, what’s going to happen now? If you have a traditional divorce that’s pending in a traditional court, your hearing dates and other milestones are probably going to be delayed.