Ep1: Divorce: What to Expect & Why You Can’t Afford to Miss this Podcast
Overview
Divorce: What to Expect is a podcast hosted by Marcy Hahn, a divorce attorney who not only has helped hundreds of clients through the divorce process but has also experienced first-hand the personal toll of going through a contentious divorce herself. Marcy is dedicated to helping as many people as she can navigate the divorce process in a way that minimizes pain and maximizes healing so they can move on with their life. In this episode, Marcy covers all of the important steps you should be taking to get your personal affairs in order to prepare for divorce.
Learn More
Divorce: What to Expect & Why You Can’t Afford to Miss this Podcast
I know ways in which you can get through this process with less pain and more ability to heal
Hi, I’m Marcy Hahn. This is Divorce: What to Expect. I know what it’s like to be on the brink of a brutal divorce. I was lead counsel for a Fortune 10 company, my kids were five and three, at the time when my marriage ended in 2011. I’m here creating this podcast to help you through what is going to be one of the most difficult periods of your life.
I’m passionate about this because I have been there.
I know how it feels and I know ways in which you can get through this process with less pain and more ability to heal. Each episode of this podcast is going to be packed with strategic advice about divorce and it’s going to help guide you through all of the life-altering decisions involved during the process of divorce. It’s also going to help you avoid making life-altering mistakes that I see so many of my clients make.
I have over 20 years of experience as a lawyer, and I bring a very unique perspective to legal advice in this area because I’ve also had to work through my own personal pain. As I mentioned, my marriage ended in 2011 while I was juggling a demanding career and trying to do what was best for my kids. When it all came to an end, I was terrified. I know what that feels like…and I know how it feels when you feel like you can’t breathe. The first time my kids spent the weekend at their dad’s house, I spent days feeling like I couldn’t get a breath. I felt like I was in a state of panic. And that pain in some ways is still there today. That pain doesn’t completely go away…I think over time you learn to change your relationship with that pain in a way that gives it meaning.
I am here to help you not make any major missteps as you go through this challenging time. I went through a time where the sadness felt like a constant companion to me… and I felt like a failure. I felt like I had failed at something big. I was disappointed in myself as a mother, I was disappointed in myself as a wife, a daughter, a sister, and also part of me felt relieved…and then I felt guilty that I felt relieved. These may be some of the same feelings that you’re experiencing now.
There’s a famous Zen proverb: ‘Let go or be dragged.’
Part of my journey was that I was always trying to make everything okay. I was trying to make everything okay for everyone else around me, and I forgot to make things okay for myself. I really lost my voice along the way. So the healing journey for me has been about reconnecting to that voice, letting go of the mistakes I’ve made and helping others move on in a constructive way. There’s a famous Zen proverb: ‘Let go or be dragged.’ And that phrase has always resonated with me. It has helped me stay focused on what’s next.
The other thing I want to share in this inaugural episode is that the only way out is through. That may sound very simple, but it’s also very profound and very hard to do. This podcast is designed to help you through these difficult decisions that you’re facing. And you’ve got to really go through it in order to move forward.
There’s a great children’s book that I always used to read to my kids. It’s called We’re Going on a Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it or if you’ve read it to your kids, but in the story this family goes looking for a bear and they meet many obstacles along the way. Each time they meet an obstacle…for example, they meet a deep cold river and they meet a snowstorm and they meet a dark cave…and whenever they meet an obstacle, they say we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, oh no, we have to go through it. And, oftentimes in the case of divorce, that is really hard to do. And that’s why this podcast is here, to help you get through it.
Top 10 things that you should be thinking about from a personal perspective as you’re planning for a divorce
I’d like to get started with some really practical advice for you. The first three episodes are going to be focused on the planning phases of divorce, and I’m going to break it down into three buckets, what you should be thinking about from:
1. A personal perspective
2. A financial perspective
3. A legal perspective
So let’s dive right in. We’re going to start with the top 10 things that you should be thinking about from a personal perspective as you’re planning for a divorce. Focusing on some of these practical things is going to help you manage through and help you feel like you have a roadmap for how to handle what may feel, right now, to be very overwhelming.
first thing I recommend that people do is to safeguard anything that’s precious to you, irreplaceable or something that’s difficult to replace.
The first thing I recommend that people do is to safeguard anything that’s precious to you, irreplaceable or something that’s difficult to replace. So for example, let’s say you have precious jewelry, or you have photographs of your family or your children, your passport, your birth certificate, things that are difficult or annoying to replace, or unable to be replaced, or things that you want to make sure you have access to, make sure that they’re in a very safe place. The reason is that once this process is underway, you never know how your spouse is going to react and you want to make sure that those items are in a safe place that you have easy access to.
second step that I recommend you take from a personal perspective is that you find a therapist. You’re going to need somebody to talk to and help you through the complex emotions that you’re going to be dealing with.
A good therapist will also help save you money in this process. The reason is that people that don’t have a therapist tend to use their attorneys as their therapist and lawyers just don’t make very good therapists. Some lawyers are more holistic than others but a good therapist will save you money because it will help you deal with the emotional aspects with a therapist, and the legal and financial matters with your lawyer.
third thing that you should do is establish a new personal email address
One of the mistakes I see a lot of people make is they use their email from work as their email when they’re going through a divorce. For a variety of reasons that is just not advisable, in part, because in some states that can open up the likelihood that your spouse is going to be able to obtain that email through the discovery process in your divorce. Whereas if you have a personal email address that you’re using, it limits the ability of your spouse to get to your work emails.
The next thing you should think about doing is changing all of your electronic account passwords.
The next thing you should think about doing is changing all of your electronic account passwords. Make sure that all of the things that you have access to on your computer are yours uniquely, and that your spouse cannot access them. One thing to keep in mind when you’re going through this is that lots of computer systems save your password. If you’re sharing a computer with your spouse, make sure that those automatic password savings features are disabled and that you change your passwords frequently, so that your spouse cannot access your personal private information.
One important caveat here is that you don’t change the electronic access to a joint bank account without talking to your attorney first. It’s possible that altering the access to a joint account can lead to other legal and financial ramifications. I’m referring mostly to your social media accounts and other accounts that may be personal to you, that you don’t want your spouse to be able to access or mess with.
be very mindful of your social media posts
The next thing that’s really important is to be very mindful of your social media posts. You need to be very mindful of anything that you write about your spouse, that you may write to your spouse, whether it’s an email or anything else, because it could be used against you in the divorce process. Not to mention that anything that you put out there on social media that could cause others pain in your life. It could also create evidence that could be used against you in the divorce process. With respect to the mail that comes to your house, you can consider redirecting your mail to P.O. box. That’s something that you might want to talk to your lawyer about before doing, but a lot of people find it useful to change the regular mail to a P.O. box so that there’s not a risk that your spouse is opening your mail.
The next thing to think about from a personal perspective is what to do if you’re covered on your spouse’s health insurance plan
You really want to start researching your health insurance options. That’s going to be something that, after the divorce, your spouse is no longer required to cover for you. So you’re going to need to know what your options are.
try to get exercise, stay hydrated, and get regular quality sleep
Now, this probably seems like it’s really hard to do at this stressful and overwhelming time, but it’s really important. The divorce process is a marathon, not a sprint, and what you’re going through is going to require a lot of energy and focus. The healthier you stay, the easier it will be for you to get from point A to point B. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out with your buddies or have a bottle of wine with your girlfriends. In fact, you should probably do lots of those things, but just be mindful about how you’re treating your body during this time. Remember that you’re going to need strength to get through it, and that leads me to the next thing which is to very carefully choose your support system. Some friends and family members are going to provide you with more of an emotional drain than emotional support…and I think you may know who those people are. Some of the people who are closest to you may also be experiencing a loss because they’ve either learned that you’re getting divorced or suspect that you’re getting divorced, and they’re thinking about how it’s going to affect them. The last thing you want is to have some people who are thinking more about how your divorce is going to affect them being part of your support system…it could really drain you rather than help you through. So choose your support system wisely and limit your support system to one or two very close friends that you really trust. It can be exhausting to be getting calls from 10 different friends who want to know what’s going on. Even though they may have your best interests at heart, they’re just really more interested in what’s going on, what’s the latest and greatest, how’s it going, etc. and they’re just looking to sort of dish about how your life is…and that’s just probably not what you need right now.
The last thing for personal advice here is to really be kind and true to yourself.
This is something that I say to my kids all the time and it’s really hard to do both at the same time. But it’s really important. You’ve got to be kind and you’ve got to be true to what you know in your heart is right for you. Try to be kind, try to be patient with yourself, and be true to what you know is best for you. A lot of people in your life are going to have a lot of opinions about how you should proceed. Deep down you know how you should go about it. Don’t let them influence you at this vulnerable time. Don’t let them pull you off a path that doesn’t feel right for you.
So those are the top 10 things to be thinking about from a personal perspective as you move through this process. I’m committed to helping you. Head on over to https://divorcewhattoexpectpodcast.com/ to get a copy of my free gift. If you have a specific question for me, you can record a question in your own voice and I’ll get back to you an answer in my own voice.
Join us for our next episode, where we’ll be covering the top 10 financial steps that you should be thinking about at this time of planning for divorce. So that’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, be kind and be true to yourself.
Here’s a Free Gift from Marcy
Top 5 Divorce Mistakes to Avoid by Marcy Hahn
ONE Lucky Person that Downloads the FREE Gift WILL WIN a Free 90-Minute Session with Marcy Herself!